Mark Twain fixed a flat tire with a black jack taco.

2010-11-13T05:35:00.002-05:00

Priceless.

2009-10-15T09:27:00.003-04:00

Daddy's from Bruges!

2009-10-12T09:52:00.005-04:00

Waterboarding or Belgium, hmmmmmmm...

Well tough Tetons you persons of interest you because you're gonna be on the first thing smoking to old Flanders. Belgians have gotten a bad rap for some of its sons behavior (mainly because said sons were passed over for the Evil Nobel Peace Prize).

Speaking of Nobel Peace Prize winners, Obama is now only missing two things from his resume:

1. Master of the Universe

2. God

Judging by his current trajectory, he should be able to pick up these ornaments by his 50th - sorry bro.

On Bruges, I'd go. It looks icy, comfortably remote, and aside from the racist Americans, the people seems pretty cool too.

Fleet Foxes = headphones Cream Dream

2009-10-09T10:24:00.004-04:00

Fleet Foxes' self titled album from start to finish is one of the best albums I've ever heard. I say this because yeah, it really is...

The Sun Sets Low

2009-09-30T09:56:00.008-04:00

Could just be me but Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese and Pedro Almodóvar are way in the red to come out in defense of Roman Polanski.

Yeah he's a dialed in filmmaker but the only reason I can see why Roman has been clapped in irons after thirty years of walking abroad is because of one person - Roman Polanski.

I remember about a year ago he tried to have the charges dropped from Europe and when the judge told him he had to come to the US to face the music, Roman balked at the idea. This backdoor coup attempt would tend to piss off the US Justice Department a little bit. Knowing Roman, they naturally decided to nab him in a moment of fugitive glory - the film festival in Switzerland.

As for Allen, Scorsese and that other superstar, I really don't think you want to jump in the same moral carpool as a guy who pleaded guilty to drugging and sodomizing a 13 year old girl.

Daddy's Coming Home

2009-09-28T08:55:00.009-04:00

Roman Polanski. You couldn't make this guy's life story up...

Holocaust survivor
Superstar Hollywood director
Husband to a pregnant wife brutally murdered by the Manson family
And this...

This past weekend Polanski went to a Switzerland film festival in his honor and was picked up on an international warrant. Smacks of a little bravado no? Granted he'd been going to Switzerland to the point where he owns a house there but it looks like someone or some thing still wants him after 30 plus years of living high on the luxury lam.

He now faces extradition proceedings that will ultimately bring him back to the United States. The proceedings which he'll likely contest will probably be dragged out till next Spring. I doubt he goes to prison but one thing's for sure, Roman's devils are wide awake.

Two Things You'll Never See on TV

2009-09-14T23:10:00.020-04:00

1) Men's wheelchair tennis
2) Women's wheelchair tennis

And I'm not talking about just the networks and ESPN. There's an entire station dedicated to tennis called The Tennis Channel. You know how many times I've seen wheelchair tennis on it?

Zero.

If only we could get over the heartbreak of Roger Federer losing what would've been his 16th grand slam title, perhaps we could broaden our focus. And who was that nasty upstart who dared to defy television's tennis lord?

Oh yeah, this guy...

He massacred our boy!

After all, Juan Del Potro was the same fluke who mowed through #2 slam star, Raphael Nadal to get to the final. And why is he standing in the foreground like that celebrating while Roger is left lamenting the $50,000,000 he's made over the past six years?

At one point the announcer's perfection of humanity swore at the chair in a closeup. This was hardly discussed after CBS came back from commercial. Only Mary Carillo had the sand to openly discuss Federer's behavior.

Federer is given free range to speak French, English - whatever when he wins. Del Potro wanted to say a few things to his family in Spanish and CBS announcer Dick Enberg basically communicated:

Well hold on their Che fella. Can't have you speakin that code language around here, this is America.

So it's this simple: You get on board with what the TV corporations want you to like or you don't get on board at all.

Esther Vergeer of the Netherlands (above) won the wheelchair women's title, and Japanese player, Shingo Kunieda won the wheelchair men's championship. Who knew?

Amerika Rising

2009-09-13T22:07:00.004-04:00

This guy just came to see Skynerd.

Aint it a Shame

2009-09-11T12:09:00.009-04:00

So the people over in Nirvanaville are a little miffed with Cobain's avatar in the new edition of Guitar Hero. While he doesn't look as chewy as Nick Nolte after watching Big Top Peewee, what's got Courtney's grundle hammock up in a hoover is that you can use the dead poet for songs not limited to Nirvana's.

The former __________ took time away from making gecko smoothies to say, "YOU for dismissing me as a LOON, go fucking play guitar hero commit necrophilai KNOW you are raping me and my family mother in law child."

Ok get upset but don't forget spelling and commas. And who among us wouldn't want to play I Love the Nightlife as Kurt Cobain?

The ever incorruptible Dave Grohl also chimed in, "We urge Activision to do the right thing in 're-locking' Kurt's character so that this won't continue in the future."

Now that's just the brand of artistic cred Cobain would've approved of.

No Movie For Old Men

2009-09-03T12:08:00.002-04:00

The Jean Genie

2009-09-02T19:43:00.003-04:00

They freed Traficant mon!

Dude is kind of a white collar D-bag but with his chops, faux Dracula mound and straight up jean on jean ON JEAN, he's pretty pimp.

Biggest Das Boot Badass?

2009-09-01T14:46:00.006-04:00

"If this it old boy, I hope you don't mind I go out speaking the King's."

That could be the best line since "We're not that drunk." I also love this clip because it looks like someone pirated Cinemax using tinfoil.

Corn on the Blog

2009-08-30T20:28:00.006-04:00

Dear Faithful Peeps,

I wholly ate a raw ear of corn by accident this weekend and wow. I can't even begin to explain the combustion this caused in my internal engine. Yet even more alarming, I came across an article on raw corn and was absolutely mortified by the writer's lifestyle.

I've personally heard whispers of raised eyebrows at the House Un-American Activities Committee due to this seemingly perverse addiction. Who knows? Maybe they were born that way, so who I am to judge?

Here's a taste of the untamed ramblings if you're not up for reading the whole thing:

I instinctively took a bite of the cool, raw, plain corn. And then another. Soon I had greedily gobbled down the whole ear. It was the best tasting corn I have ever had. Right there in the parking lot I tore through six ears. There was a mild breeze and corn silk was flying all over the place. I was wearing it, it was in my hair, and the car was full of the stuff. But I just didn't care. The corn was soooo good!

Dude. Six ears? Cuckoo. I think the most I've ever eaten in one sitting was three ears. And remember kids, there's nothing dirtier than a masticated corn cob.

Pizza Hut Dunkers Please Kill Some of Us

2009-08-12T11:20:00.005-04:00

Yummy.

Did you ever wonder what Count Chocula would taste like if it were mashed up on a heaving dough-tard?

Well now you can with Pizza Hut Dunkers.

They're very literal over there at Pizza Hut Corp. They didn't want to confuse the American public with dunking a Nerf dart of shit into a cup of AIDS diarrhea with say... dunking a philosopher's Nerf dart of shit into a cup of AIDS diarrhea.

Healthcare protesters may take note when they're selling their colons on Ebay as chocolate fossils to pay off their angioplasties.

Finney's Bad Salvia Trip

2009-08-03T14:56:00.003-04:00

99 Red Balloons

2009-07-28T23:01:00.001-04:00

Ahhh, Cinéma Joie De Vivre

2009-07-27T23:59:00.002-04:00

The Swedes Have Pure Genes

2009-07-20T21:40:00.003-04:00

When you perplex that blonde lady with racist commentary, you know you've gone too literal with your intolerance.

Her face = you gotta closet that shit.

Ed Gein Would Be Proud

2009-07-14T20:39:00.005-04:00

Cremation just might be the way to go:

ALSIP, Ill. (AP) — Authorities are beginning the grueling process of trying to identify the people in about 100,000 graves at a suburban Chicago cemetery where four former workers allegedly dug up bodies to resell burial plots.

Burr Oak Cemetery in Alsip has been declared a crime scene and closed.

Authorities allege the former workers dug up at least 300 graves and either dumped the bodies in a vacant lot or double-buried them.

The Cook County Sheriff's Office says it has received more than 7,000 written inquiries about people buried at the cemetery.

The historic black cemetery is also home to the grave of civil rights-era lynching victim Emmett Till. His grave site was not disturbed.

On second thought, you'll probably just end up as the dirt in the shamwow guy's infomercial.

Happy 4th of July

2009-06-30T10:45:00.000-04:00

Mustachioed Cuntbuckets (Cops)

2009-06-23T16:00:00.010-04:00

policeman Anthony Abbate

It must be an unwritten rule that if you wear a handlebar mustache you're either:

A) A child molester

B) My old roommate

C) A D-list porn star

D) A waste of everything cop

It appears officer Anthony Abbate is right on track with fulfilling his cop stache to the max. This 400 lb. Chicago sausage took his sweet old time to beat the shit out of a woman while everyone else looked on in admiration. In fact he's such a hero, he's only being suspended - o the justice...

Iran So Far Away

2009-06-16T23:24:00.006-04:00

Notice anything strange?

Like one of the arrows from the voting block taking a sharp left and leading to a bureaucratic blob of appointers? The route of that line effectively makes the president and parliament democratic straw men.

The Ayatollah of Rock'n'Rolla on the other hand has all the power and controls everything down to your shoe size. The riots are all because of the left side of this illustration, up to and including the guardian council. Though America still needs to lose the electoral college, Iran should drop all the middlemen and the Santa Claus with the giant acorn on his head.

Ahmadinejad's Cunning Linguist

2009-06-15T00:13:00.006-04:00

And it's possible.

Somehow, someway Ahmadinejad managed to find a translator who is more annoying than he is. Maybe it's just a testament to her skill of being able to enhance the George Bush smirk of eat my shit, even if you don't like the taste of shit to begin with.

My advice: listen but make it brief because I'm betting shit isn't your favorite flavor.

5 Things Phil Did

2009-06-10T19:09:00.012-04:00

Phil Spector is known for being a ______. He's done so many things over his storied(?) career it's too hard to fill in that blank. So, I thought it would be fun if we took a look back at five of his most important accomplishments.

Sidenote: Dude is tiny!

Produced the Ronettes.

Looked like a Koosh Ball.

Stole rings.

Hosted a TV show.

And one other thing, I always forget this one...

Universal Health Scare

2009-06-07T01:36:00.000-04:00

A 1,000 dirhams for teeth whitening? That's it, I'm moving some place normal.

The Cuban Singer Crisis

2009-06-01T07:14:00.001-04:00

As long as he's happy... - The Edge

No one had the heart to tell Bono he was talking to Cat Stevens, not Fidel Castro.

One for the Good Guys

2009-05-30T11:40:00.003-04:00

Why Terrorism Will Never Win

2009-05-29T11:04:00.003-04:00

Please minimize the whoring pop-ups.

Cyber Czar

2009-05-29T10:05:00.008-04:00

President Obama is finally going to appoint one czar to rule them all - a Cyber Czar, which is to say this czar will be a little more important than the Juicebox Czar. It's high time a noose was put around the neck of the giant that is cybering. For those unfamiliar with the term, it is defined as:

A simulation of sex performed in a chat room, via roleplaying, between a male and a male pretending to be female.

Geordi La Forge is a great candidate because he's got the whole blind justice thing going on, plus he's post-racial (born 2335). In my personal opinion it's really Geordi's blob skills that make him the most qualified to be America's 413th czar.

O Cable News, You Fill Me...

2009-05-26T23:24:00.016-04:00

Ever since Mr. Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor for Supreme Court Justice, the news media has been flying off the hook with adjectives. The secret to their word agenda stew is not a variety or even a plethora of adjectives - no. The trick is to pick just enough words to be counted on one hand and repeat them until they all become one giant wave of kidney stone pulverizing monotony.

Why do they do this you ask? Simple - Americans don't have the mental capacity to understand what a thing is if you describe it more than five ways.

Here are the five most perfect words picked by the news media to describe Judge Sotomayor. The 1st definition is from a dictionary and the second is the MSNBC/FOX News translation .*

1. Hardscrabble - Providing or yielding meagerly in return for much effort; demanding or unrewarding.

Translation - Dickensian; may or may not have family members that inspired West Side Story.

3. Latina - A woman of Latin-American or Spanish-speaking descent.

Translation - Spicy; exotic; may go dancing after work.

2. Activist - Advocating or opposing a cause or issue vigorously, esp. a political cause.

Translation - A female Abbie Hoffman that may or may not make a kickass tostones rellenos.

4. Liberal - Favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs.

Translation - Reads books and stuff.

5. Stupid - In a state of stupor; stupefied.

Translation - Graduated from Princeton and Yale (the community colleges of the Ivy League).

*Nobody has watched CNN since Ted Turner left.

VENTURAMANIA

2009-05-18T16:21:00.006-04:00

I'd still like to see a debate between Ventura and Schwarzenegger moderated by Carl Weathers of course.

Slipping the Yiddish Pillar

2009-05-12T19:32:00.010-04:00

Rahm and Nancy make quite the pair nestled between those macabre Sequoias.
-Reporter Dave

Pink Steele

2009-05-11T08:29:00.009-04:00

Delusions of grandeur doesn't even begin to explain the fantasy camp Michael Steele packs a lunch for. He was Lieutenant Governor of Maryland - this is equivalent to owning three or more Von Dutch hats .

As Chairman of the Republican party his main responsibility is to salt Rush Limbaugh's balls right before he licks them. Legendary for rambling and batshit analogies, all I want to know is - can this twatsicle possibly muster a bigger self saluting boner than the one in his meathook right now?

The Biclops

2009-05-04T11:56:00.003-04:00

Thursdays 10p / 9c

Thursdays 10p / 9c

Freaky Cyclops Six-Way

Swine Flu Chihuahua

2009-05-01T11:33:00.002-04:00

"Celebratory Fellatio"

2009-05-01T06:11:00.004-04:00

Control Room Commentary

Alright people, find me someone famous.
And where the fuck is that intern with my sandwich?
3, zoom in on Jason Alexander.
Who?
Costanza you idiot.
Holy shit is he skull hum... Cut 2! Cut 2 Goddamn it!

Where the fuck is my sandwich?

Jesus Christ License Plate

2009-04-29T12:15:00.009-04:00

I don't see what the big deal is. People are all in a huff about Jesus Christ License Plate when Jesus Christ Mud Flaps have been around for ages. And people tend to forget what a hit Jesus Christ Shit Bucket was back in the 1770's. Accident? you tell me.

I say if you want to decorate the lower half of your automobile with a crucifixion - GO FOR IT! I'm sure Jesus would've been down, at least in this one he's getting a tan.

The Kobayashi Maru

2009-04-28T11:43:00.005-04:00

I once met a guy who said he beat the Kobyashi Maru. He was wearing one shoe and asked me for bus fare but I believed him. I actually have no clue what the hell the Kobayashi Maru is except that Kirk defeated it and cemented his stature as a world class kinda guy.

Had John McCain run on the premise that he too beat some unfathomable test during his days at Annapolis, perhaps things would've gone differently. Alas, McCain more closely resembles the Willam Shatner of Priceline Negotiator fame.

Eventually, Kirk reveals he cheated to beat the Maru which really gets Spock's ears hard. Now that's something I could see a guy who crashed 5 planes (4 for fun) doing. McCain 2016!

WARNING: Lovable Youtube Banter

Text Comments (95) Options
no1afriking (3 days ago) 0 Reply
put in that scenario, follow 7 of 9's approach and teleport some anti-matter onboard the klingon ships.
Or, do like John Chrichton would do (Reference to Farscape) and bluff your way out with something they really really want!

no1afriking (3 days ago) 0 Reply
another good reason is for dramatic effect. I mean think about it this way, you're in space on a ship with shock-absorbers. You wouldn't see the ship rattle, much less would the conduits blow out. plus we have capacitors and transistors to accommodate for that.

chusidhe (1 week ago) 0 Reply
senior starfleet officer and academy instructor and that's the best he can do for a hairpiece?!

Khemistry101 (2 weeks ago) 0 Reply
Its Mistress Saavik.

filterthefilth (2 weeks ago) 0 Reply
Suck my disco stick, captain.

sarek63 (3 weeks ago) +2 Reply
one of my favorite scenes from all of the movies. Star trek the Experience should have an attraction like this for the tourists to test themselves in a command role

stephenskevin (1 month ago) +1 Reply
In the Royal Navy, and still in the US Navy, a junior officer could be referred to as "Mister" instead of the specific rank. See for example, the film "Mr. Roberts."

arctifox88 (1 month ago) 0 Reply
Even when addressing a woman?

Tuskin38 (1 month ago) +1 Reply
Yes.

mjmanning123 (1 week ago) 0 Reply
If you look in Trek lore, Vulcan women do find it insulting to be refered to as 'miss' or 'Mrs.' and Kirk knows this. Vulcans for equality.

Hunger

2009-04-27T15:00:00.000-04:00

Laughter Morphs into Tears or A Little Over 60 Seconds with Dick Cheney

2009-04-23T07:16:00.010-04:00

I put the following clip up for the age old tragic irony of what the hell happened to this guy? Watch Cheney speak logically in '94 - some years before he and the clodhopper aborted all common sense. Ah well, the world is their sandbox I suppose.

Enjoy.

In Other News...
FOX News anchor, Shepherd Smith keeps climbing them rungs.

Feliz Día de la Tierra

2009-04-22T08:11:00.000-04:00

Man I wish stamps were still 33 cents. 2000 come back (but leave Bush out)! Earth Day is a time of contemplation and a time of socking people in the gut who deal in styrofoam peanuts. But more than that it's about a guy crowd surfing in a man-sized hamster ball.

The ladies were right, there was plenty of green going on. Especially during the following song but sadly the mank who got most of the show didn't have the due diligence to route the dreadlocked monolith in front of him.

Damn, I Died Today

2009-04-21T22:40:00.006-04:00

November 30, 1835 – April 21, 1910*

*Fortunately I'm able to maintain this blog (from beyond the grave as it were) because I took this everyday for 25 years.

In a Dream

2009-04-19T22:33:00.001-04:00

Cheese Dicks

2009-04-16T16:18:00.030-04:00

Grundle Gouda 1 & 2

I'm not sure which is worse - getting a mugshot for sticking cheese up your nose or having a whole country know that you work at Domino's. Granted that what they were doing was pretty nasty, I'm actually more interested in the femme De Niro's rap sheet. She did hard time and she can make CinnaStix? sign me up.

Dickcheddar 3

Governor Rick Perry is pretty popular in his home state of Texas. In fact he reminded Texans so much of President Bush that they felt compelled to show their gratitude for his likeness in governance. Maybe Texas is cool, but lately this shit-kicker has been threatening secession a tad too loosely.

Wasn't it only two months ago Perry asked for National Guard support on the Mexican border? That's NATIONAL Guard dude. Go ahead, secede. Fend off the Mexican cartels with Big Tex.

And apparently it's okay to move American made automatic weapons illegally across the border but not to let the Mexican humans come across for work.

So Perry takes a slab of barren land and an inflatable statue, we'll keep the Sam Houston one and Austin. Then we just bump Puerto Rico up to varsity to maintain the nice round number.

Non-Americana: ROOOOOOOOOCK

2009-04-15T17:01:00.007-04:00

Focus may have looked like the Bee Gees but they played like crazed cave trolls denied entry into Valhalla.

Recession Dreams

2009-04-14T11:49:00.002-04:00

Ice Cream Man in Ocean City, MD (Ocean City)
Reply to: job-5xmuj-1116905358@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-04-07, 5:48PM EDT

This is your opportunity to be an Ice Cream Man! Looking for smart, energetic, outgoing people to drive Ice Cream street vending trucks in Ocean City, MD this summer. Memorial Day to Labor Day. Salary will be commission based. Clean driving record a must. Great summer job in a great summer town.

E-mail blatheringmuddlefoot@aol.com with interest.

Location: Ocean City
Compensation: $100 per day and up + tips
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Brits Need Wheaties

2009-04-02T19:17:00.009-04:00

Are Americans this much taller than the English (per capita)? Just look at that picture, the Obamas can use the Queen and her backdoor man for bowling pins. If this picture isn't an endorsement for limiting your bean intake, then I'm a spotted dick.

And what's the deal with not touching the Queen? Will she lose some God-juice if she comes in contact with a mere mortal? Even the first consort (her man stallion) has to stand two feet behind her in formal situations (except when taking pictures with those from outside the shire).

I kid though, I have a lot of respect for the British.

A Certain Conservative Rising

2009-03-30T19:55:00.016-04:00

Conservatives have gotten a bad rap for supporting Bush/Cheney intensely for 7 1/2 looooong years, and it's worth noting that a mighty sixteenth of them stuck with McCain/Palin for about 4 months.

Lately, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity have been trying to rally the old klan by pushing the concept of "underground conservatism" and "tea party" movements to rebel against the Obama Adminstration. Beck referred to this movement as being indentical to English rule and when referring to Obama said, "The British are coming! The British are coming!" So for the record, Glenn is against foreign invasions.

But just to summarize both of their accounts (one's an asshole and one's a Mormon-asshole, can you tell which is which?) of the three month old President, Obama is an Orwellian-Communist-Limey who initiated the country's economic decline the day he was sworn in.

Doesn't this guy make total sense?

Chips and Ick

2009-03-25T07:47:00.011-04:00

I would normally never take it upon myself to rail against a bag of potato chips but these chips are truly the worst chips I've ever eaten.

They should be called Piss and Vinegar because they literally taste like they've been brined in Bea Arthur's bidet. Seriously, if you buy these chips after reading this, just kick yourself in the taco because it's pretty clear that you like the taste of urine.

I'm not trying to challenge your cowboy hat wearing, kiddie pool owning, bleached-bush cultivating lifestyle but the taste of urine should not be masqueraded as a sacred flavor combo like sea salt and vinegar.

Did you try the hotpockets, they're breathtaking. -?

Union Sundown

2009-03-23T05:34:00.001-04:00

Well, my shoes, they come from Singapore,
My flashlight's from Taiwan,
My tablecloth's from Malaysia,
My belt buckle's from the Amazon.
You know, this shirt I wear comes from the Philippines
And the car I drive is a Chevrolet,
It was put together down in Argentina
By a guy makin' thirty cents a day.

Well, it's sundown on the union
And what's made in the U.S.A.
Sure was a good idea
'Til greed got in the way.

Well, this silk dress is from Hong Kong
And the pearls are from Japan.
Well, the dog collar's from India
And the flower pot's from Pakistan.
All the furniture, it says "Made in Brazil"
Where a woman, she slaved for sure
Bringin' home thirty cents a day to a family of twelve,
You know, that's a lot of money to her.

Well, it's sundown on the union
And what's made in the U.S.A.
Sure was a good idea
'Til greed got in the way.

Well, you know, lots of people complainin' that there is no work.
I say, "Why you say that for
When nothin' you got is U.S.-made?"
They don't make nothin' here no more,
You know, capitalism is above the law.
It say, "It don't count 'less it sells."
When it costs too much to build it at home
You just build it cheaper someplace else.

Well, it's sundown on the union
And what's made in the U.S.A.
Sure was a good idea
'Til greed got in the way.

Well, the job that you used to have,
They gave it to somebody down in El Salvador.
The unions are big business, friend,
And they're goin' out like a dinosaur.
They used to grow food in Kansas
Now they want to grow it on the moon and eat it raw.
I can see the day coming when even your home garden
Is gonna be against the law.

Well, it's sundown on the union
And what's made in the U.S.A.
Sure was a good idea
'Til greed got in the way.

Democracy don't rule the world,
You'd better get that in your head.
This world is ruled by violence
But I guess that's better left unsaid.
From Broadway to the Milky Way,
That's a lot of territory indeed
And a man's gonna do what he has to do
When he's got a hungry mouth to feed.

Well, it's sundown on the union
And what's made in the U.S.A.
Sure was a good idea
'Til greed got in the way.

-Dylan

American Classic?

2009-03-22T12:12:00.008-04:00

I haven't seen it since I was 7, but Runaway is just a good movie. The producers must've thought they had cinematic gold when they read the villain character description:

An evil man played by the venerable (if we can get him) Gene Simmons makes little evil spiderbots: the end.

BUG DETECTED.

Lá 'le Pádraig

2009-03-17T22:28:00.004-04:00

They're drunk, Irish and they dig us: YES.

The One Man Carnival

2009-03-15T22:49:00.006-04:00

I saw this fellow play the other night and I just dig what he does. The fact that he looks like me doesn't hurt either.

Bigot the Baker

2009-02-27T07:07:00.006-05:00

I think this dude and Mark David Chapman went to the same summer camp. But don't worry folks: his brother-in-law is Cuban, so he likes everybody.

The United States of Marijuana

2009-02-26T12:48:00.017-05:00

"Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed which is upon the face of all the earth.…To you it will be for meat." -God

God said that, look it up.

We leapt an Armstrongian hurdle when we elected Barack Obama the first 1/2 white President of these United States but we're still mentally (and fiscally) in the gutter over an issue that's plagued this great nation since the 1930's. Back then, the people who smoked the Lord's chosen flower were called "hopheads."

The following is a dramatization but an all too real depiction nonetheless of the social bastardization of Ms. Maryjane and those who smoke her.

Afterall, didn't God put this shit here for a reason other than making clothes that feel like a potato sack?

State's rights you say? Humbug! Pot ought not be treated as a threat to cotton, paper or the booming boat rope tycoons of the world. Besides, we already have the perfect ambassador for marijuana.

Smoke an ounce and become a gold medal, record setting Olympian like me! I heard he even smoked the crown.

Kellogg's must've realized that their 1930's aggression towards pot as the devil's recreation was going to choke their sales.

Think of all the money to be made off of the taxes that will be levied on these sweet little spliffs. Bye bye deficit, hello High Times. Top hats and doobies is what this country was founded on.

And just think how much we'll be conserving on gas too. If everyone is high, accident incidence will fall quicker than the Dow.

Holy shit dude, there's an ambulance behind us doing like 10, give me 5 minutes to shoulder it.

And who really wants to hit their wife when they're high? No one! That's way too much work. Get your man stoned and a family sized bag of Tostitos con queso. Sure he's totally useless but at least now he's not trying to beat candy out of your liver.

Virginia + Asia = Same

2009-02-23T12:20:00.006-05:00

Fish-toejobs have long been the rage for many'a dynasty in the amorphous blob that is Asia. Though it has taken aeons to do so, this craze has finally taken hold in the great state of Virginia: a state long known for its backcountry toe sucking.

A Fetus with a Wig

2009-02-17T19:46:00.007-05:00

No Cure for Comic Cons

2009-02-16T08:37:00.009-05:00

There's always been chatter that Denis Leary lifted Bill Hicks' act, but for whatever reason the accusation never really found any mainstream footing. Maybe it was because Hicks never made it big in the mainstream because he challenged its steel girded comfort zones without asking for permission (gee, what was he thinking?)

So when I came across a little film on a comparison of Leary's alleged theft, well, how can I articulate my overall reaction? I'm going to go French here and say... utterlydickless.

A River Runs Through It

2009-02-13T12:23:00.010-05:00

The following interview kinda sorta made my night. It was with Joaquin Phoenix, a guy who's famous for playing a guy who's famous for playing other people's music. But what you probably didn't know, is that Phoenix has a little hip hop monster of his own roaring inside him.

Watch how he snaps out of his faux coma quicker than a shot of epinepherine when Letterman says he wants to be there for his musical unveiling. But better yet, checkout how quickly he changes his mind.

I call it Matisyahu meets midlife crisis. I marvel at how he's able to move such an erudite audience of teenage Bel Air skanks. But the crecendo hits when he mmmbops so hard, he falls off stage (not unlike a burned out wino).

Falling off the stage drunk is rock n' roll retard, just ask Johnny Cash.

Apatow, Hirsch and Douche Heil

2009-02-12T23:15:00.020-05:00

This dude is a straight up mung taco. Not only did Judd Gregg make Republicans looks more desperate and partisan by bailing out on Obama's cabinet position at the last second, but he also shanghais old birds from the dementia ward and takes them out for photo ops. Even she's probably thinking,

Why are you wearing a flag pin? I get it. You're a white guy from New Hampshire: hmmmmm, what country could you be from?

Ladies and Gents: Judd Gregg (The Senator who shrugs firm belief).

Arlen Specter on the other hand, who came up with perhaps the most insane theory since the theory of Ramen Implosion...

1. Theory of Ramen Implosion

This term was first coined in the National Scientists Organization (NSO) in 1914. The theory is that the MSG in ramen noodles will be so severe, that it will turn your skin inside out.

The popular thing among kids (and my friends) is to buy Ramen noodles. Ramen noodles are very cheap and filling but after eating so much ramen, that your skin folds inside out, thus showing your organs and outer skin.

The second process begins when Alice Cooper walks into your driveway and dropkicks your mom all over the place.

I've got to give Specter credit though for doing what he thinks is best for the union and not just the rigid tenets of his party. Sorry Abe, your B-day wasn't a total success: Doris Kearns Goodwin only got to say "Team of Rivals" 6,242 times.

Spot the Kraut

2009-02-11T11:41:00.006-05:00

This is a little game called Spot the Kraut. It's all about ferreting out Germans who stir the fancy.

Click the link below and see if you can find the following:

The Kraut Pirate
Thugalicious Krauthammer
Queequeg "The Gucci Kraut"

Play Spot the Kraut

Obama Goes with #2

2009-02-04T22:58:00.015-05:00

So why did Obama risk his neck for new Treasury Secretary, Tim Geithner? - easy. He picked him because the dude looks like he's fighting off a turtlehead 24/7.

Any man that can maintain a burgeoning deuce face for that long has got to be worth megapounds on the PR scale.

Citizen Recession:

Man is he worried about the economy, just look at him stew like my priest stuck in traffic after downing Five Crunchwrap Supremes!

Sorry Daschle, but you just had to go. Between Thundercheeks and a dude who looks like a cross between Waldo and 1/2 a Scottish duet, who would you pick?

You're gonna go with the pensive pooper that's who. Besides, these guys are both so busy they don't have the time to pay the taxes worth more than everyone's salaries in your office.

The Greatest Inaugural Moment

2009-01-30T00:51:00.000-05:00

No Such Thing as the Liberal Media

2009-01-29T21:20:00.009-05:00

There are liberal leaning news outfits like MSNBC but who do they really question? What conservative minded people do they ever personally question? Their entire news cycle is dependent upon insulating themselves with like-minded liberals. Pat Buchanan, Joe Scarborough (aka: Bill O'Reilly's tiny echo), there is no real push an pull of information. How are they any different from FOX News? It's the same assholes reaffirming each other that there's no other choice but to do it their way (this may or may not include off camera AJ's).

If there's any such thing as a liberal media, it's one person: Helen Thomas.

Okay, hottie she's not but praetorian of the people she is. Here she is allowed to ask some questions of the White House Press Secretary.

On no, Eva Braun's tea is spoiled.

Bush never took a question from her after 2001, is that liberal enough for you? When the President refuses to take questions from a reporter it means that they have all the right ones: all the questions that serve the interests of Americans.

When he never calls on that reporter (like Helen), it means the President is saying fuck you to the American public and to keep kissing his ass with softballs if you want to get anything out of him. And luckily for the former President, this is what most of the White House press corp did for his two terms out of fear.

Not much has changed with Obama because his charisma procures something of the same syncophantic worship, only on the opposite side the coin. But he too deserves to be taken to task, no President should get a pass whatever the political climate may be.

Ted Haggard's gay? What?

1 & 2 of 2008

2009-01-27T23:27:00.002-05:00

1.

2.

Hollywould Kewl

2009-01-09T15:13:00.010-05:00

The TV show Mad Men may be critically acclaimed but it doesn't come close to reeling in the amount of viewers Half Ton Teen gets: that's just a good show.

The following excerpt is from a dank write-up by Daniel Frankel of Variety Magazine. You can read the whole story here but I wouldn't unless you want to be bombarded with half-screen pop-ups that refuse to die.

AMC prexy Charlie Collier went right to the question on every reporters' mind at the start of the cabler's Television Critics Assn. panel on Thursday afternoon: The fate of the net's Emmy-winning drama "Mad Men."

The period skein will return for its third season this summer as skedded, despite the prolonged contract negotiations between producer Lionsgate TV and creator/exec producer Matthew Weiner, Collier assured.

"As long as we get the writers' room up and running over the next few months, we're fine (for a summer launch)," Collier told reporters after the sesh, adding that he's optimistic that an agreement with Weiner will be reached soon.

Prexy? Um, what the hell is that? I knew I shouldn't have thrown away my deluxe edition of Mall Madness. After some searching I found out that it's slang for college president. Unless the school for American Micro Carbines reopened, I'd say that's incorrect usage of hipster lexicon.

You may ask yourself, "What exactly is a cabler?" So I looked it up on the internet and the Free Dictionary which is basically a dictionary for shitheads said it's simply a noun. But other than this light raft of geniuses, it doesn't exist.

The next one I looked up is skein. Since we're neck deep in Hollywood lingo, I figured it was shorthand for the precedent Kevin Kline set by impregnating a snake, but I was wrong. This is a real word and it is defined as any of the following:

1. a length of yarn or thread wound on a reel or swift preparatory for use in manufacturing.
2. anything wound in or resembling such a coil: a skein of hair.
3. something suggestive of the twistings of a skein: an incoherent skein of words.
4. a flock of geese, ducks, or the like, in flight.
5. a succession or series of similar or interrelated things: a skein of tennis victories.

Skein doesn't work in this context at all but I'd wager that Frankel originally had "a flock of geese" and hit the thesaurus button.

The next unique grouping of letters is skedded. For me this was one of those pure what the fuck is that moments. So I googled it and the first hit was Urban Dictionary. The result? Though nothing was there, they did have the word sked which is defined as:

Short form of the word "schedule". Sometimes used by the entertainment magazine Variety.

So it's a made up word used exclusively by the magazine I pulled the excerpt from. That's just indi cred out the ass yo.

And sadly is our last word from this shorthand bunch ball: sesh. This time I went straight to the source and sure enough, Urban Dictionary had it on file. Here it is defined and used in a sentence:

A "session" in which one smokes cannabis sativa through the use of a bong with a collective of friends.

Hey mate, fuck school, lets go have a sesh!

The second definition has it as:

An abbriviation of the word session, may relate to drinking, smoking pot, excessive computer gaming or anything else that lasts a prolonged period of time.

Yo, u in for the sesh

yeh sure

In times like these I find myself asking, which came first: stoner lingo or the Hollywood magazine writer?

The SS Minnow

2009-01-08T13:48:00.014-05:00

I admit that people say "spawn of Satan" a little too loosely but I honestly heard that during a herpes flare up, he scratched a sore and out popped Ann Coulter. Just checkout those turn-you-to-stone orbs of wonderful she's got. Where's Perseus when you need him? I can't tell if she's happier to be anorexic or that she finally hooked up with Mickey Rourke's hair stylist.

I know people have called her a Nazi in the past but she truly has all the traits that comprise a really good Nazi: she's tall, she has blonde hair, blue eyes and her soul is a barren wasteland of writhing agony. I only wish her parents gave her the full package and named her after their favorite movie.

You've got to hand it to her on paradoxical fascism though. In the following clip she basically says that single mothers are the root of all societal problems and at the same time she's entirely against abortion. I guess I'd be mad at the world too if my vagina produced Zyklon B.

Jeopardy Bids Farewell to 2008

2008-12-31T04:00:00.003-05:00

Aside from Alex's apparent attempt to become the next Magnum P.I. (see above picture), I like Jeopardy. I especially like it when I get two in a row and I don't feel like my frontal lobe is made of cement. I primarily tune in though at the off chance Alex might say Fleur-de-lis (his being literally liquifies into Frenchie bliss).

While this isn't a true year in review of the show, I thought it might be beneficial to everyone who reads this breathtaking scripture to checkout some of the great moments that may have been overlooked in our quest to become armchair elitist factoid doling skin mountains (this may or may not include fans of the late Renegade).

First up is young Steven, who is obviously never going to amount to anything because he thought Nicole Kidman was in Star Wars. However, after watching his reaction upon learning he's wrong, you may see some glimmer of hope for this prepubescent patewan.

One contestant passed out over Jeopardy's audacity to pose a final question on the Olympics. Leave it to a bretheren mustache and a fog of Preferred Stock to revive him.

And where would Jeopardians be without the diabolical chipmunk laugh of Su Kim?

This next clip is simply the cat's pajamas. The venerable Ken Jennings misses a daily double which causes Alex to sound off like he's gazzing and being castrated at the same time.

Here, Alex goes pantless for the sake of three other men.

This toothy lass simply flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.

But the crown gem goes to the man himself. I ask myself, how can a dude who once looked more jiving than Mr. Kotter be such a safe household figure? The truth? During commercial breaks Alex crushes beers by the bushel in between bj's. Don't believe me? See for yourself...

W. Entertains Last Exit

2008-12-18T01:53:00.002-05:00

The Great Ponzi

2008-12-17T14:04:00.004-05:00

Contrary to popular belief, a Ponzi is not when the coolest guy in school gives Potsie advice on how to land a sweet dish.

A Ponzi is a scheme perpetrated by a crooked investment firm that pays out its senior investors with abnormally large returns allocated from the funds of its newest investors. While the grift didn't originate with Charles Ponzi, it was named after him because Ponzi just went really well with the word scheme: hence, Ponzi Scheme.

As you may have heard, Bernie Madoff recently jacked over $50 billion dollars from his investors - a considerably larger scam. But Madoff with Your Billions doesn't quite have the mystique of a mustache and the obligatory Italian Z.

Most effected by this were not for profit organizations and charities, some of which are run by celebrities like Steven Spielberg of Hook fame.

In 2001, the SEC was alerted that Madoff may be engaging in illegal activity. At the same time one of his own investors admitted,

"Even knowledgeable people can't really tell you what he's (Madoff) doing."

Did the SEC do anything? No. Are you surprised? Probably not. You're likely aware that neglecting financial cancer is par for the course under the Bush Administration.

The irony of it all is that when the Ponz emigrated to America, his then not so eponymous caper took place in Boston. Fast foward 88 years to present day and because of the philanthropic groups involved, a correspondent reported that Madoff's scandal will be more harmful to Boston's economy than Wall Street's swan dive to Atlantis.

Joe Biden Commemorative Plate

2008-12-16T10:00:00.002-05:00

Vitter Digs Pay for Play

2008-12-15T22:42:00.003-05:00

It looks as though Senator David Vitter of Louisiana has no problem throwing down bones for his own bone but when it comes to sustaining working class jobs, he's all slash and burn. Like so many of his fellow Republican counterparts, Vitter has used the combination of a plummeting economy and poor management as an opportunity to dissolve worker's rights and benefits by offering no assistance.

President of the UAW, Morgan Johnson was slightly miffed with Vitter's stance and responded by saying,

"I don't know what Sen. Vitter has against GM or the United Auto Workers or the entire domestic auto industry; whatever it is, whatever he thinks we've done, it's time for him to forgive us, just like Sen. Vitter has asked the citizens of Louisiana to forgive him. " Johnson continued, "He'd rather pay a prostitute than pay auto workers."

For those unfamiliar with Vitter's vaginal vacations; here he is with his wife reprising the importance of faith, values and gas powered dildos.

Who Throws a Shoe?

2008-12-14T13:40:00.014-05:00

President Bush's uber secretive visit to Iraq prompted one man to give new meaning to the term shoe bomber. While the President spoke to an assembly about the necessity of war in the region, one reporter was not ready to jump on board with the President's stance. So the man launched both of his loafers at the President which missed his dome by a hair.

“It doesn’t bother me,” Bush told reporters. “So what if he threw a shoe at me.”

As the man was being towed away by security he said, “This is a farewell kiss, dog.”

In Iraq, it's a cultural diss if someone throws a shoe at your head which is funny because I thought was a compliment. I only pray the Dutch way of life never makes its way to the middle-east.

MSNBC Producer Disintegrates

2008-12-11T17:29:00.009-05:00

"She mentioned it: she's fired." Isn't it just like the news to imitate life in a Hitler Youth camp...

There Will Be Blagojevich

2008-12-09T21:28:00.017-05:00

I'm not sure what a Serbian diet consists of but dudes can grow some wicked hair mounds. Take genocidal warlord Radovan Karadzic for example, or Chicago Governor, Rod Blagojevich. This guy has enough hair to choke a Sarlacc. I mean honestly, this thing is like a free motorcycle helmet.

So Governor Blagojevich tried to sell Barack Obama's Illinois senate seat. So Blagojevich cast a shadow on Obama and his cabinet picks as Chicago corruption on a national level:

So Blagojevich allegedly stalled the construction of a children's hospital for campaign funding. Okay, so he's an alleged piece of shit. A piece of shit that is likely going to end up riding the pine with his predecessor.

But why is everyone so hung up on the "bleep" words in his wiretapped transcripts? Are we in first grade? Ooooo, he said the s-word. Wow. This means a hill of beans to anyone who grew up outside of a golden fortress. For those of you who didn't, here's a quick crash course in the daily life of your average suburbanite:

However, the Chicago Governor may have overstepped his bounds by referring to the President-elect as a "motherfucker" and continued "...his senator? Fuck him. For nothing? Fuck him." While I'm in favor of expletives (used tastefully), I tend to flex the multi-usage of another word. Here's a sample of my daily regimen:

General Gasshole

2008-12-08T16:36:00.023-05:00

Dear Rick Wagoner,

You are a loser, literally. It's no else's fault that General Motors tanked except yours. You can blame it on bad intelligence or the fact that you must've had your head so far up your ass you didn't realize people are driving Japanese hybrids because a tank of gas costs as much as an iPod. Maybe you should take it as a hint when one of the biggest proponents of saving the American Auto Industry, Senator, Chris Dodd had this to say about your tenure at GM, "I think he has to move on."

I remember a time when a Captain went down with a sinking ship and his crew went in a rescue boat. Now, it's the Captain with the gold in the rescue boat and the crew gets a nice watery grave. Since we can't keelhaul your ass, the only real punishment that can be levied is to kick; you, your bruised ego and all your millions out of the game entirely. So pack your shit and move to Cuba where you can live in a society that's forced to drive around outdated Chevys that get 4 miles to the gallon.

Still pissed,
MT

On top of all this, there is a general bias against American cars in America. So once the Volt and Malibu are no longer an abstract concept, incentives are going to have to be made. Incentives that mean GM is going to have to eat it for the initial sales period. The new cars will have to be sold at a price that undercuts those of Honda and Toyota so people can quietly admit to themselves "Hey, it's like the same car but cheaper and American too!"

On the other side of the planet (but still much in the same vein of douchebaggery), are these fellows:

So these guys have lowered gas prices for the present because our economy is going over like a lead zeppelin and they're optimistic about us needing their oil thirty years from now. Does anyone else have a problem with this? What we need to do is once these electric/hybrid cars start to come off the line is to reinvest in a technology that began (and was abandoned) over a hundred years ago.

CHE

2008-12-05T14:03:00.004-05:00

Whether you agree or disagree with what he represents, this two part 4 hour epic looks like a cross between JFK and The Godfather.

Double Axl

2008-12-04T00:00:00.010-05:00

Forgive me Lord for it has been over a week since my last Axl post.

Like most of the planet Dr. Pepper didn't ever expect Axl to complete his labor of sonic Elysium. So they made a promise to the public that if Chinese Democracy was ever released, they would give every American a free can of Dr. Pepper. Many a Dr. Pepper drinker was abandoned with mouse in hand when the site crashed from a surge of hits. So the good Dr. decided to extend the offer to those who couldn't get on during the fleeting claim period.

If you were one of those unable to get on that day (wink) and want to rightfully claim your tasty beverage, click here.

I'm not sure how to quantify what an album 13 years in the mix is supposed to sound like but this record is littered with songs that puts 98% of the shit on terrestrial radio to shame. Some songs even move into territory never charted by the old Guns. Songs like If The World have the global stripe of Sting and the atmospheric funk of Lenny Kravitz, yet there's no doubt it's all Axl.

As solid as Chinese Democracy is, it's hard not to notice that something is missing:

But it's probably going to take a little more than patience for this band to reform. Here Axl discusses with a fan about reuniting with his old comrade:

Sebastian Bach said that Axl has four albums worth of November Rain quality material - kind of a bold statement. While Chinese Democracy isn't The White Album, the bottom line is that Axl still knows how to write a good song.*

*Sans bicycle shorts.

WE HAVE NO HEADS!

2008-12-02T20:53:00.001-05:00

Axl Got His Gun

2008-11-26T05:45:00.008-05:00

I was amazed when America elected Barack Obama to be President of The United States but nothing and I mean NOTHING can top the fact that Axl Rose is finally releasing Chinese Democracy. I would've bet on Texas electing a gay extra terrestrial before this project saw the light of day. I was literally a zygote when I first heard about this album, right after GNR's bust-out release The Spaghetti Incident?

Slash and Duff McKagan had their fill of Axl back in the early 90's and went on to form Velvet Revolver with the sinewy junk-incubator that is Scott Weiland. Axl went a different route and chose to work with respected musicians like Bumblefoot and Buckethead.

I just don't understand why people have problems dealing with a low-key personality like Axl's. Here one of his colleagues, James Hetfield of Metallica fame sounds off on what type of guy Axl is:

But alas Mr. Rose has finally gone and done it by offending an entire Republic (record sales jump?) with GNR'S latest release. Apparently the government of China percieves this bed of Nordic cornrows as some kind of incendiary poet. They took particular offense to the lyric:

If your great wall rocks, blame yourself.

Lookout Keats, I think Axl is punching your card.

Like the Hadron Collider, Chinese Democracy was a labor years in the making. One project was spearheaded by a physicist, the other by a guy who wears catcher's gear and bicycle shorts at the same time. But both, and I do emphasize both have the distinct power of possibly creating a black hole that could swallow the earth.

God Bless America

2008-11-25T10:45:00.000-05:00

Glen Beck Gets Served

2008-11-16T16:11:00.012-05:00

I just want to say thank you to Mr. Glen Beck for making The Christmas Sweater. I haven't felt this Christmasy since Michael Keaton did Jack Frost. As you'll see in the clip below, Glen has a way of moving his eyebrows that well, just move me.

Not everyone gets Glen the way the 2% of us do. The rest of America tend to view him as an insufferable blowhard. Take for example the run-in he had with one of our fellows at a truck stop when he stopped off for some refreshment (his treat!)

Here's Glen's in his own words:

It happened to me at Wendy's Saturday night. We are on the bus and we stop to get fuel and I said, I'm going to go in, I'm treating. Everybody wants a Frosty. I'm going to go get Frosties. And one of the security guys, said, No, you're not. I said, Yeah, I am. I mean, it's a truck stop. How much trouble am I going to get in in a truck stop? Everybody here you can trust. You're not going in.

I went in, but I had to bring the swat team with me and so I'm just, I just want to Frosty, please, the guy standing next to me, who, by the way, I may point out. Had food in his hair, is a truck driver and he turned around. He looked at me and the recognition was immediate and he said, You racist bigot! And I just said -- I wanted to say, I think you have me mistaken for someone else, but I knew he knew who I was and he just hated me for who I was. You conservatives that have destroyed this country! And the hatred was so deep, it was breath taking.

Luckily the swat team was there and I just separated myself from him and he just shouted through other people and there were children in the restaurant and he blamed me for everything, I believe including the Holocaust, and the hatred was palpable. The guy screamed at the restaurant, you better not let me see you in the parking lot because I've got a truck and I'll run your ass over! Wow. Is this who we've become? Is this who we've become?

Glen's truck stop innocence is a reminder to us all that if you're a pervasive gasbag who preaches to the tune of victimhood, some people might not be too bubbly when they bump into you. Fortunately he had his "SWAT team" in place to swarm anyone that might tell him he looks like a 12 year old with a Brillo pad on his head. If I was ever met with this kind of unchecked aggression with my SWAT team, I'd have to get a Biggie Fry to boot.

The Joe Lieberman Effect

2008-11-15T12:19:00.004-05:00

O How the Douchie Have Fallen

2008-11-10T12:50:00.013-05:00

The priggish Joe Scarborough is well known for foaming at the mouth over just about anything. His imagined superiority finally payed off like a self inflicted shotgun wound early today on his show (no plug, remember, he's a douche).

Watch how Mike Barnicle (the other white guy) raises out of his seat like a prostate exam when Joe lets slip America's second favorite obscenity:

Not even the asphyxiating Bob's Big Boy has dared to utter a swear over immigrants storming U.S. shores.

Personally, I don't really give a tit what you want to say on TV but when someone like Joe Scarborough swears on national television, it's like being told that the local Cardinal has a hidden confessional behind his bookcase - you're not really surprised but you enjoy the conflagration of hypocrisy anyway.

Bejesus!

2008-11-08T09:43:00.018-05:00

Charles Francis Adams, whose Grandpa was this guy, and whose Dad was this guy, said the following about the historic election of 1860,

(Americans) voted the entire ticket of the Republicans... it is a remarkable idea to reflect that all over this broad land at this moment the process of changing the rulers is peacefully going on and what a change in all probability.

If you were to substitute Democrats for Republicans, this passage would likely describe most everyone's experience this past Tuesday.

While the voting lines during the election of Abraham Lincoln averaged two hours in Chicago, this November, millions of Americans waited several hours in line. During the time I waited, there was a soft electricity coursing through the column of voters. People who had already voted rejoined their friends in line to talk about the election. By the end of the day, Barack Obama was elected our 44th President and had won three former Confederate states.

Now, neocons may have lost the White House but there's still work to be done. The Lord's chosen people aka Mitt's Militia were at least able to put the kibosh on their sworn enemy. However, there's just something ironic about Mormons stamping out gay marriage under a ballot title that smacks of classic porn.

But the best conservative spectacle came from the walnut packed cheeks of Sean Hannity. Watch how Sean goes into full tilt O'Reilly mode on soon to be White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs:

You've got to hand it to Mr. Alan Colmes (the heart of the Democratic Party) who saw the opportunity to put country first and took charge by protecting his big bro's honor. Here, a young Sean does the same for his mighty mite Alan:

If there's any phoenix to come out of the rusted out wreckage of the Republican Party, it's this dude:

Alone, he's a little too lizard slick for everyday Americans. He'll have to pickup someone who can reel in the wingnuts without any effort. You know, the kind of politician that isn't afraid to rule by anything else but their own sack:

See: Team of Mavericks or The Lone Rangers Paradox

I literally don't know what she's saying 1/2 the time but you have to admit that her troglodyte bebop connects with those who speak American as their only language.

Cool

2008-11-04T23:30:00.000-05:00

Liberalism Finally Pays Off

2008-11-03T10:14:00.022-05:00

Click to Enlarge

The picture posted above is the homepage to the left leaning website the Huffington Post. I realize most of you could shoot me right now for explaining this but I figured there's probably at least one person who hasn't heard of it, so hold your fire. Now, I'm all for making a decent buck, but this? This thing is literally a canvas for corporate salesmanship. And it's just plain un-American to have a Blackberry bigger than John McCain.

It's no accident that this advertisement blitz is in full tilt on the eve of one of the most riveting election's in our nation's history. But if anyone's to blame for letting them get to this brassy level, it's us. We tune in and surf for more everyday when all they ever do is produce the same shit. It's sort of like heroin, only when you OD on heroin, you get to start over again. For a political junkie, there is no bottom. You come home after a hard day of surfing political sites just to let your brain be sucked away be the likes of Wolf Blitzer.

In fact, I once knew a guy who detoxed by hiking the Appalachian Trail for 6 months. When he got home, he laid down on his couch and this was the first thing he saw:

Needless to say, he's still there.

However, in the way that history repeats this does make sense. During the Civil War, General Lee worked with less and took wild chances. President Lincoln on the other hand had more assets and was calculating. Does this sound familiar?

And though I fought in a Confederate militia for about a week, I'll admit I have somewhat of a Democratic streak in me. MSNBC has been the new haven for frustrated liberals who've endured the last eight years like a pinata that refused to blow open. So it's no surprise that shows like Countdown with Keith Olbermann and The Rachel Maddow Show are viewed as beacons of political justice by the lefties.

It was after all FOX News that began (and mastered) the trend of preaching the news rather than simply relaying it.

See: Bill O'Reilly Achieves Nirvana

So it's only fitting that under an Obama presidency (you know he's going to win), FOX will become for conservative hardliners what the Disney channel is for kids - a place of fantasy. The Drudge Report is also somewhere there in the mix but my man all too frequently doesn't use spell-check or the correct homophone. That's just lazy fanaticism.

So remember, If you have something to say, (bring a fistful of sweaty money and)... Say it on the Huffington Post.

Click to Enlarge

The Joe Six Pack Address

2008-10-29T23:42:00.002-04:00

Team of Mavericks or The Lone Rangers Paradox

2008-10-27T01:18:00.020-04:00

Back in the mid 90's there was a quasi underground art film called Airheads. In case you're unfamiliar with the film, it's about a rock band in the midst of an "economic slowdown." They are left with no alternative but to take a local radio station hostage so they can air their demo tape to expediate their music careers. The film hits hard on classic themes such as never giving up your dreams and finding your own voice:

In one particular scene, the DJ played by the venerable Joe Mantegna asks,

So what's the name of your band?

(He's handed their demo tape.)

The Lone Rangers, that's original. How can you pluralize the Lone Ranger?

Adam Sandler replies, What's wrong wit dat?

Well, there's three of you - you're not exactly lone.

Hence, John McCain and Sarah Palin. They have consistently referred to each other as "a couple of mavericks." Myself, I've never actually met anyone who's referred to themselves as a maverick or seen someone that for that matter that made me think, now that dude's a maverick. Unless your wing man is Goose or your an anti-semite who starred in Braveheart and The Lethal Weapon series (not Danny Glover), I don't get it. How exactly does one become a maverick anyway, little lone many mavericks that would necessitate a team of mavericks? This leads us to the Lone Rangers Paradox.

Let's say there are two individual mavericks and for mavericks sake let's say John McCain and Sarah Palin. By definition, a maverick is a loner or a motherless calf (you pick but real mavericks pick the motherless calf). In case you conformed and picked the loner definition (which is the one I'm guessing the Republican ticket is running on), you might have some trouble wrapping your head around the idea of a team of mavericks.

A team of mavericks would be like having Kanye West and David Blaine make a rap album about street magic. Actually that could be pretty cool.

John McCain is more fickle than maverick, but Sarah Palin? She refused to conform to any labels during her recent interview with Brian Williams. Especially being labeled a feminist (unless it's an interview with Katie Couric in which she called herself a feminist and went into detail why). By conforming to a label just once, she could very well become the femme James Dean aka:

Drilling Sarah Palin...

2008-10-22T19:57:00.000-04:00

Clearing the Ayers

2008-10-15T23:40:00.028-04:00

It's not often John McCain finds somebody older than him in his line of work. But there is one man with the seniority to clamp down McCain when the maverick kick-starts his interruption-mower. Plainly, this dude:

I swear The Schief was seconds from saying "Listen up son, I ask the questions, you answer - get it???"

Oh. Um, I've just learned McCain is actually older than Bob Schieffer, who was born in 1937. Whoops, I guess we all can't remember Pearl Harbor can we?

Obama was pressed about his relationships with Acorn and (using McCain's words) "a former washed up terrorist." Obama explained he was 8 when Bill Ayers (aka: Mean Mr. Mustache) carried out his acts of terrorism. He further explained that the board which he shared with Ayers was also shared by some very prestigious Republicans.

On Acorn, he explained that he represented the group over a decade ago with the US Department of Justice. By sheer providence, McCain left out was his own "special" past relationship with Acorn.

What's really grinding the McCain campaign's gears is not that some of Acorn's members forged voter registrations out of desperation for higher compensation, or that the administrative arm of the group is the one who intitially cited these false documents. It's that Acorn has been a historically Democratic organization, one that's not leaning anywhere Right this time around.

But moving on to the real meat of last night's debate - enter everyone's favorite sunny resident of Mayberry - Joe the Plumber!

Just in case you aren't familiar with Samuel "Joe" Wurzelbacher (I thought this was a digital harmonium), he was mentioned roughly 20 times in the debate last night. McCain made continual references to him to ram home his perceived place as the patron saint of the middle class, without actually saying "middle class."

Dear Joe the Plumber, son of Tim the Toolman,

If you're making $250,000+, you are not middle class. When you complain about taxes while at the same time making $250,000+, you're just a greedy bastard.

To wit,
M. Twain

P.S. - Love the college motif by the way - very Couch Joust.

Seinfeld Stomps Civic Smears

2008-10-13T17:13:00.017-04:00

I'd wager most of you out there in your bloggominiums are familiar with the notion that Senator Obama is "an Arab" or "a Muslim." The claim has been spread through viral emails with the same grammatical supremacy of Sarah Palin or George Bush. The idea was even lampooned on the controversial cover of The New Yorker:

But what's missing from all of this heated hogwash is one man. A Maverick who would never dub himself thus. And in the eyes of millions of my fellow countrymen, the Ultimate American.

If she eats her peas one pea at a time, she's gotta go - that's fair. But, if we cannot as Americans tolerate the differences among us, then I say we don't have the right to call ourselves Americans or even North Americans (seriously, Canada and Mexico are pissed about this one).

Now is as good a time as any for us to breathe life into what our fore fathers nagged on and on about. You know, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness? So the next time you're confronted with an accusation intended to strip you of your honor, you can patriotically reply, "I'm not ___________, not that there's anything wrong with that."

Now sit back and watch how it's done:

*Dutch subtitles were added to enhance your viewing pleasure.

John McCain: Master Debater?

2008-10-08T10:28:00.028-04:00

The town hall setting is where John McCain (and most of the news media) claimed he is at the height of his voter wooing game. This debate was supposed to be John McCain's big move to take the lead from Barack Obama. But the only thing he took was a head long, ultra-crabby swan dive into Nixon's sweaty skin.

Some took it personally that Senator McCain was shuffling around during Senator Obama's responses. Maybe it was nervous energy but his aides should probably look into some way of corralling the maverick.

Then came the height of the yet to be determined debate moment of John McCain:

Now this baby is really up for interpretation. Some feel it was McCain's way of continuing his dismissive demeanor towards Obama. Some see it as McCain referencing Senator Obama as:

That particular negro over there.

The latter could be wrong but I doubt it. Either way, it doesn't help McCain's case that he's been running a less than honorable campaign in the last few weeks.

It was understood that McCain 2000 didn't play nasty:

But McCain 2008 on the other hand, has learned his lesson. After being destroyed by President Bush's negative campaign in 2000, McCain turned around and hired out the same squad to helm personal attacks like this one:

Just the other day Senator McCain posed this question at a rally:

"Who is Senator Obama?"

When a supporter in the front rows clearly yelled, "Terrorist!" McCain's facial expression was that of amused suprise. This is the seed he's been nurturing as of late but I don't think he expected one of his supporters to come outright and say it. Did he condemn the remark? No. He paused to smile a curious look and kept on going.

What's at play here is a good ole' case of self deception. In my opinion, McCain feels he's not running a smear campaign if he's not the one personally saying anything negative. He just has all of his surrogates spout the smear of the week. This way, he can live with the mindset that he's running a clean campaign.

And their overall goal is to continually construct a Machiavellian constellation of mysterious hate. In doing so, they are encouraging their base to connect these stars of political poison with the hopes that it will spill over into Independent minds. Sarah Palin has been stirring the loony pot with her 2-D rhetoric to the point where the Secret Service has launched an investigation.

What the Obama campaign needs to do is instruct Smokin' Joe to set his sights on Palin. In doing so, she would have no other choice but to lower her fire from Obama and aim for the 1st state's Senator. I'm not in love with the idea but I think Joe can handle a couple snipes in the vein of Marge Gunderson:

And if they keep on this course, who knows what Palin and McCain are going to look like in a few years...

Lucky Town: Springsteen Plays Philly for Obama

2008-10-05T17:54:00.024-04:00

I received a message across the wire late last week from my thrice removed Uncle Jed Blunderbuss, that Mr. Bruce Springsteen was going to appear at an Obama rally in downtown Philadelphia for FREE. So I did what any level headed American would do, I stocked up my Conestoga 2000 with enough coffee, bacon and pipe tobacco to sink a mobster.

I arrived on The Benjamin Franklin Parkway just in time to see Pennsylvania State Senator, Bob Casey introduce Governor, Ed Rendell. Old Rendell was as affable as ever and said, "You know if the two of us are sharing the same stage together, it must be imporant."

Without much ado, a volunteer for the Obama campaign introduced Springsteen, who called Philadelphia his "home away from home." Then in true troubadour fashion, he busted out some classics with just an acoustic and harmonica. His setlist was:

The Promised Land
The Ghost of Tom Joad
Thunder Road
No Surrender
The Rising
Does This Bus Stop at 82nd Street?

Here's a clip of the Boss spoutin' his views on what needs to be done:

He ended the show with Woody Guthrie's, "This Land is Your Land."

Who's Abe Thinkin'?

2008-10-01T17:30:00.005-04:00

You can practically hear television pundits pose a variation of the following question once an hour:

Why isn't Obama beating McCain in the polls, especially with the track record of the present administration?

There's a brooding undercurrent of criticism aimed at Obama that has labeled him an elitist. It's not that he's "too intelligent" for Americans, it's that he doesn't play to expectation.

Take for example NFL quarterback Donovan McNabb. Like the Presidency, the quarterback position has been a historically white position. The fan report card for the Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has been graded as follows:

He's too black when he runs the ball and he's too white when he throws the ball.

Maybe if he faxed the ball in Ebonics the American public could more easily understand what he's trying to accomplish.

The scarcely well intentioned politico, Karl Rove described Obama as, "the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by.”

Coming from a guy who has been involved in numerous controversies under the Bush Administration, this doesn't even pass as an exercise in armchair surrealism.

John Kennedy came from a wealthy family, as did Franklin Roosevelt. Both of their names had already been long established in politics. Roosevelt was given a leg up by his fifth cousin. And JFK's father, Joseph Kennedy served as Ambassador to England in FDR's administration.

Both were Democrats who worked on behalf of social justice. Childhood activities included horseback riding, tennis, rowing, and polo. In fact, JFK was admired for representing the "New American" who had hobbies like sailing. Obama didn't partake in anything nearly relatable to these activities, yet he's labeled an elitist under the same banner that achieved so much on behalf of working-class Americans.

Obama's early life more closely resembles that of Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton was also born on a small island without a father figure in his life, and through his own initiative became one of the most influential figures in our nation's history. Adams and Jefferson may have damned him behind closed doors, but that's another post. John McCain also has something in common with Hamilton, they were both born in foreign countries.

The solemn image of Lincoln propping up his contemplation with thumb and forefinger, like Atlas shouldering the responsibilities of the world is an image that is deeply ingrained in our national identity. It's hard to imagine John McCain straining himself over issues the way Lincoln did, and his recent snap decisions have fulfilled the toppling of that notion. I don't think many would disagree that during times of crises, a President of a cerebral nature is a handy asset. After all, isn't that the kind of President we need?

The Independent Vote

2008-09-30T13:55:00.002-04:00

The Audacity of Greed

2008-09-29T14:06:00.039-04:00

Is there no other option except for Congress to stitch up Wall Street's self-inflicted wounds with tax payer thread?

This current bailout is not the coming of a great socialist tidal wave, quite the opposite. It's the birth of neo-fascist, laissez-faire capitalism, proving that this nation is not run by the people or for them for that matter. It is run by those who illicitly toss our financial fate around like a secondhand baseball. The single executive who runs a failed outfit of this kind is given a severance package containing more money and benefits than all the school teachers of Virginia combined.

The bailout bill is merely an option for Wall Street executives. Corporations are not obliged to accept the government's terms and can elect to scuttle their financial barges to make off like bandits if they wish to.

This is also the perfect opportunity for Congressional Republicans to make their case. Their refusal of their own party's Presidential proposal is veiled as a shield for the American people but it is truly their golden moment to stick it to the Democratic party. While the Democrats hold majority and can pass this bill without Republican support, they opted to go half and half so the failure or success would be evenly distributed across party lines.

Either way, it's likely that House Minority Leader, John Boehner is going to spearhead the muck-mantra of: The Democrats had the power to pass the bill and save the economy by themselves and they didn't - these are the officials that you've elected. Or, if the bill failed to yield instant results: The Democrats pushed this bill through without Republican support, so this is what you get when you vote Democrat.

By turning their backs on the problem completely (like their standard-bearer did until just last week), the Republican Party will likely seize the opportunity to instill buyer's remorse in voter minds for the upcoming elections. Politics as usual is at the heart of the matter and President Bush is presently a man without a party.

Speaking of transparency, why couldn't the Bush Administration have included a Federal website listing all the major Wall Street executives and their contact information in their bill? My vote says we're smart enough to send a fax, write an email and place a phone call. But I guess they just figured us for a bunch of zipper-lipped check writers.

The Great Presidential Bailout

2008-09-24T17:03:00.046-04:00

"Last call, McShame Train to Washington D.C...."

By suspending his campaign and pulling out of Friday's debate, McCain has risked offending the voters of Mississippi and has possibly loosened the footing of some his supporters. Millions have been spent and a University's prestige of having the first presidential debate is at stake. Mississippi has been a traditionally red state but McCain's dis looks to throw some ice on Ole' Miss' Republican skillet.

Why would he want to risk losing votes by backing out of Friday's debate? Why would he hand over millions of television viewers to Obama alone? Simple, senatorial duties are more important to McCain. In fact so much so that the last time McCain was present for role call in the Senate was April of 2008. After all, we never held presidential debates during times of crises except for Iraq II, Vietnam, World War II and The Civil War. Oh and don't forget Reagan debated Carter during the Iran Hostage Crisis, and that literally had the word crisis in the title.

The postponement also allows for the Palin bubble to shrink at a slower rate. She could very well come out on top against Joe Biden where the Kennedy-like appeal is in her favor. But, on substance, Biden is the one who most resembles the 35th President. But really, they're running for vice president aka "who gives a shit."

But leave it to the Democrats to buckle like a bridge to nowhere when Bush presented his Wall Street bailout bill. His usual Russian mafia logic of, "do something now or whole world implode" seemed to work (again). Only this time, it's the Republicans who aren't getting on board. While they panic over a commie bailout bill, drab clothing and smelling like soup, they don't seem to address the autocratic rule Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson is going to get with this bill.

Section 8 of the bill reads as follows:

"Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency."

Though Paulson planted his flag as a corporate executive on Wall Street long ago, I'm sure after your first 700 million you can still relate to the little guy. Seriously, he's a former Wall Street executive worth around $700 million - he feels your pain.

This week's stock tip: Don't invest in Democratic spines.

But hey, hey, it's Nancy Pelosi to rescue the future!

For $700 Billion Dollars?

Even Dr. Evil isn't dumb enough to ask for that much ransom. Our Congress could've crafted a bill, costing half as much that would have accomplished significant strides in alternative energy research and development. It's fine though, global warming is probably a hoax and I'm sure the astral beings have had their fill of launching hurracaines upon our shores. So when exactly will we reap the benefits at the gas pump for offshore drilling, in another 26 years? By then even General Motors will be on to smaller and better.

While the McCain campaign claims this just another example of McCain putting "America First," it's being seen by many in a different light. The old sailor is all in for Crazy Ivans but it seems he only goes for them when he's gasping for political O2.

Some of Mac's recent spectacle grabbers have been: canceling the opening night of his convention, he considered being Kerry's '04 running mate and shifted back for some Bush brodeos, going from economic deregulation to regulation (overnight), selecting Palin (overnight), becoming the agent of change (overnight), blowing off Letterman and remaining in NYC for the night, and "misremembering" how many houses he owns. This campaign suspension smacks of tactical tit-waffling in the face of low poll numbers, and that he simply can't multitask like he used to.

Harry Truman once said, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen (bitch)."

So is McCain's decision political courage or plastic patriotism?

Persia's Paul Bunyan

2008-09-23T22:00:00.032-04:00

He's intolerant. He's ignorant. He leaves a wake of provocation in every country he visits. His "hard to know" demeanor is poorly mischaracterized by an immutable smile of esoteric idiocy. No, it's not him. It's your friendly neighborhood Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!

Along with earning a doctorate in Civil Engineering and an Associate's degree in Hostage Negotiation, the Iranian President is a master of the sleepy-instigator look. Just look at the crowd of people interested in his lily-white presence at the recent UN conference in New York City:

You've got to hand it to ole' Mahmoud though, he posseses all the essential ingredients to dictate in classic style:

1. Facial Hair (check)
2. Speak One Language (check)
3. Condemn Immigrants (check)
4. Eat Siblings By Age 6 (check)
5. Turn Grandmother's Head Into A Jack-O'-Lantern (check)

Sweet thunder, I've just described a young Lou Dobbs!

I think deep down Ahmadinejad just wants to be an American. Look how he dresses every time he comes to visit the U.S.: khaki jacket, khaki shirt, olive slacks. If that doesn't ring any bells, maybe this will:

Don't you see? He's trying to tell President Bush that the neglect of our national parks has gone on too long and that he's ready to take the helm as The Department of the Interior's National Park Ranger Road to Recovery and Pebble Conservation Czar.

Pack Your Carpetbags Palin!

2008-09-16T15:58:00.031-04:00

America regards Matt Damon as one of its finest actors and has always respected his ability to navigate partisan issues:

But lately this guy is just makin' some wicked smaat obsahvations:

This video would not be possible without the assistance of Todd: aka "The Todd", aka "Gack," aka "Pappy," aka "T-Bone," aka "Todd, Yes I Had Sex With Your Mom," aka "His Toddness," aka "Oh, Was That Your Mom - Todd," aka "Todd, Who Wishes Everyone Would Just Die In A Water Accelerated Grease Fire," aka "Waah," aka "The Cincinnati T," aka "Gerald: The Todd Impersonator," aka "Todd: The Greco-Roman Sauce Nugget, aka "Todd, Father of The Alligator Fuckhouse."